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2006 tube gossip

28th December 2006
1. She bought it in New Look for a fiver.

2. Yeah, but how can they justify charging so much for soft drinks?

3. Fuck Christmas. Fuck New Year. Fuck London Underground. No. I'm not drunk. Fuck off.

4. You can call me Mr T-Bone Shabazz.

5. Is anyone going to believe that Ewan McGregor grew that 'tache?

6. Good King Wenceslas came to town...fa la la la la.

7. We could get naked children and cover them in bubble wrap.

8. She's a typical student, hates Tony Blair, hates the government, loves Che Guevera... doesn't really have a brain.

9. CSI's got a plot. It's gimmicky graphics and dead people.

10. Meet Pedro, the racist raisin!


21st December 2006
1. Can you look down there and check if you find my wallet.

2. Don't go to Maplins... it's expensive. You're better off shopping online or going to one of those computer fairs.

3. How are you? Did you watch Celebrities in the Jungle?

4. Ow. I bit my lip.

5. It's ridiculous... they give you a plastic fork that you have to construct yourself.

6. I'm not Australian... I'm from New Zealand. I'm a Kiwi, mate.

7. What you getting her for Christmas? I've got a load of cushion covers.

8. No! Why don't you shut your face!

9. Oasis in Manor House!?! I'm there every weekend.

10. It's cold as ice... like that song.


14th December 2006
1. Why are you texting? We're underground.

2. My friend is Hungarian... I don't know why he is so angry.

3. Shhh...we're not supposed to talk. This is the tube.

4. This country! All anyone cares about is money, money, money!

5. Victoria Line is better than Piccadilly. Look. Between Kings Cross and Finsbury is two stops. On Piccadilly it is four.

6. These two Indian guys were nodding at each other in a suspicious way.

7. Will one of you please tell me a joke?

8. I'll have to speak to head office. How I hate speaking to head office.

9. Who designed the District Line? I owe them a slap.

10. I dont' know if he was gay, but he was immaculately dressed.


7th December 2006
1. I think I know how to light a cigarette.

2. Have you met my little man? Nathaniel, this is Homer.

3. My office chair has a screw missing. It's fallen apart twice this week.

4. They do dark Kit Kats now. And orange ones. And caramac ones.

5. Obviously, IQ tests are seriously flawed, but I'm still cleverer than you.

6. Tom Huddlestone is the man! He's The Hudster! The Hud!

7. Channel 4 is a bunch of left-wing PC students desperate to discredit anything British.

8. If you need a footballer to tell you not to stab people, you're a bit thick.

9. Aha! A raven will alight upon your breasts!

10. The whole of Swindon was flooded.


30th November 2006
1. There's no point getting upset about it anymore.

2. I have to apologise to Gavin for vomiting in his car last Tuesday.

3. How can they expect us to be awake at 10am? It's outrageous.

4. What happened to the fat woman who runs the organic cafe?

5. Mmmm... ackee and saltfish.

6. What's with the flat cap?

7. You're my wingman. We fly together.

8. The food portions in New York make London look like a third world country.

9. And they banned something I care passionately about: communism.

10. How can I be racist? I'm black, in case you hadn't noticed.


23rd November 2006
1. Get Owen to pay for it. He's got plenty of money... he's a graduate.

2. I didn't hear my phone. Therefore I could not answer it.

3. What you going to do about it? Hit me? You've got no arms.

4. Oh man... I am gonna be in trouble. I've got 1 or 2 points... if you get three points, they report you.

5. Mama Mia is shit. There's no plot.

6. You can buy a nativity scene in Woolworths. They throw in the kids.

7. If a law makes sense, they should just pass it. I don't know why they have to debate it for a year.

8. I'm going to have a little sleepie.

9. I thought Cliff Richard was in the Rolling Stones, no?

10. Where can I buy good baklawa?


16th November 2006
1. If you want to get a big bird, you need a big worm.

2. They aren't beige, they're moleskin.

3. Are you a pacifist? I am.

4. He has strange, lidless eyes.

5. She's a nice girl, she just doesn't have any interpersonal skills.

6. If you were as tired as me, yes, you would be complaining.

7. I don't want to cause a panic but I can smell burning.

8. Mourinho just stirs shit up and then lets some other bugger deal with the consequences.

9. Amy Winehouse. She's a sexy horse.

10. I got my dad a Turkish book as a joke.


9th November 2006
1. All he does is wander around the flat in tracksuit bottoms.

2. I've never rented in my life.

3. Have you no fucking manners?

4. You'll have to explain pensions to me. I have no idea where to start.

5. How do you spell "segue"?

6. Yeah! I'm at East Finchley! Where are you? Did you buy the leg?

7. Thrillers are popular. Chick Lit does well. And quite a few people read the Bible.

8. In America, they do Halloween properly; you can be a pirate or a Jedi. You don't have to be a ghost or a zombie.

9. It's not like I enjoy pressing my face into your armpit.

10. That Javine is a right slag. She was going with Harvey behind his missus' back.


2nd November 2006
1. Dave could snap your neck like a twig.

2. I never thought that Jason Bateman would make a comeback.

3. Winter is crap. I keep getting my i-pod tangled in my scarf.

4. Somalians have long faces, don't they?

5. You can't get properly pissed on miniatures.

6. First they blame the Muslims for everything, then the kids. Next it will be the pensioners.

7. Virgo? Does that mean you're a virgin?

8. I am going to take the scenic route.

9. What's brown and a stick?

10. It's that song from the Beavis and Butthead film. The one about the lesbian seagull.


26th October 2006
1. I looked under my bed and there were about 40 socks.

2. There's a shop on Westbourne Road that sells arabic electronics.

3. Crack whore is an insult. Hooker is a compliment.

4. Have you read that Shopaholics book?

5. There's no point getting on, it's stopping at Edgware Road.

6. You can sit on my lap but behave yourself and stop waving your arms at me.

7. It's no good, someone's already done the Sudoku.

8. My old flatmate was an Aussie... he was alright but he got mullered every night.

9. Do you want the seat? I'm getting off soon. In a while. Kings Cross.

10. How come your cups are so clean? Mine go brown after a while.


19th October 2006
1. He turns and BANG! Top corner. No chance.

2. It's a nice place to eat if you can ignore all the shouting in Italian.

3. God damn fucking London Underground.

4. I don't think you can class Greggs as a patisserie.

5. Everyone had left the office, so we raided the fridge and found three cans of Stella.

6. Have you got a tissue? My hands are all black.

7. Did you understand any of that? It would help if these people spoke English.

8. Every single day we have to wait at Edgware Road.

9. I asked for an Americano. I think this is a latte.

10. He gives me free session in the gym.


12th October 2006
1. Please excuse me. My eyes are disabilities.

2. Surely Nando's is better than McDonalds.

3. I've got one of those little pigs that you can use as a hoover.

4. She spends more time in the kitchen or in the loo than in the office.

5. What's the name of that bloke who rapes people?

6. I went jogging round Hyde Park. It's nice now that autumn has come again.

7. If I had known he was German I wouldn't have bothered.

8. Maybe. Another day. Not tomorrow.

9. Who would abandon a lovely child like you?

10. I don't smell like Marlboro Lights, I smell like Camels.


5th October 2006
1. And I'm telling you that you're gonna need a raincoat.

2. I ask him to get me plain A4 paper and he goes and buys lined paper that's tiny.

3. What's the capital of Germany?

4. Four hundred quid to strip wallpaper is a rip-off. Write to your MP.

5. He's the equivalent of one of those shit jokes you get in crackers.

6. You can't sit down for free newspapers.

7. Why do you have a hairdryer? You don't even have hair.

8. Me and Sean and Gabrielle all went down the restaurant in Stroud Green, and we got pizza but then it rained and we had to get the bus.

9. Necro is good but he's not as good as Roy Orbison.

10. Indian people don't need self-help books.


28th September 2006
1. I couldn't live in a country with more than one time-zone.

2. Why are you such a fucking spaz?

3. He's got really arrogant since he got his Motorhead jacket. He doesn't want to know me anymore.

4. Have you seen my envelopes? Could you check in your bag please?

5. This guy sitting across from me was chewing this stuff. Like thin strips that he'd break off and chew. I think it was khat.

6. Russell Square? I know that. Who's that named after?

7. Sorry... I cough on you.

8. I found out what was pissing off Fiona... Anna was holding Jason's hand and stroking his head.

9. You're a very dangerous influence.

10. They're those memory glasses that you can't bend out of shape.


21st September 2006
1. Did you see that blonde piece that Steve was chasing?

2. My dad's alright. He's still got no feeling on his left side, but he retires next year.

3. Don't act like you're doing me a favour.

4. Somos de Colombia.

5. There are various types of ocelots.

6. What's democracy? It's just a tick in a box every few years.

7. He didn't even know that Cyprus was an island.

8. Little people are funny.

9. Why did they make you take off your belt? It's not like you're going to hang yourself on a plane.

10. Letitia isn't fat fat. She's chunky. She's quite curvy. She used to be fat. I suppose she's fat.


14th September 2006
1. "Sick" means "really good". Can you believe it? Ask anyone under 25 and they'll tell you.

2. You should add some tabasco and just ignore the smell.

3. What do slugs and snails actually eat?

4. I can't believe how much tea the builders manage to get through.

5. Friendly bacteria can fuck right off.

6. Of course Ken Livingstone hates Jews. He hates everyone.

7. Hey, white boy with dreads! You are my friend!

8. These sluts on the telly are bitches and fakes.

9. And he says... "I wiped my hands on the curtains"!

10. I don't get it. Why are they calling Lampard fat?


7th September 2006
1. Does black toast give you cancer?

2. I saw this film about huskies abandoned in the arctic circle.

3. What's the demographic?

4. It was kinda obvious that something turned inside her.

5. There was this hassidic jew using a Blackberry.

6. I went on holiday without my sandals. It's really important to have sandals because other shoes hurt your feet.

7. Daddy's dressing as a wizard.

8. I didn't quit. They fired me.

9. Kevin's wasted and he said he was gonna eat a sunflower... fair play... he did it.

10. No way do I read Paolo Coelho.


31st August 2006
1. Let's go somewhere they serve nuts.

2. Of course, my real ambition is to be a foreign correspondent.

3. There's that advert where they sing about Rhinstone Cowboys, but it's for insurance or something.

4. Leon Posner is a poo.

5. Why would you wear a hat just to talk to God?

6. L&M Lights. They're the continental version of Marlboros.

7. Ah, you are my special Garrincha!

8. He used to be attached to the embassy. I dunno what he does now.

9. New train lines! I'll believe it when I see it!

10. We were stuck in baggage control for an hour.


24th August 2006
1. Bang bang! Let's have some power chords.

2. I can't remember your name. Were you once my wife?

3. You know me... I love smoking.

4. Please move your pram.

5. It's not fair. I've got Metro and you've got The Sun.

6. Yours has got more vodka and mine has got more coke.

7. It's an infected sebacious cyst.

8. Dad, what is Valerie's shoe size?

9. Money never brought unhappiness to no-one.

10. You need a drummer who doesn't sound like Moe Tucker.


17th August 2006
1. Did you see the newsreader with the really shaky hands? I felt so sorry for him.

2. I don't think it was a plane. I think it was a pigeon.

3. Siobhan has a fat neck.

4. Where can I get a phone with a flag on it?

5. What the fuck is wrong with Steve McClaren's skin. He's like a fucking Sith Lord.

6. Is he gonna testify? Is he gonna tell them what really happened?

7. Digital watches aren't very modern though.

8. Do you have an itchy scalp?

9. If you're a terrorist, you're probably willing to drink poisoned milk anyway.

10. Take that poster down right now.


10th August 2006
1. Justin is some kind of Wikkan priest.

2. I'm not angry. I'm not even sad. I'm just disappointed.

3. Is there anything better than Meals on Wheels?

4. Rank! Rank! Disgusting!

5. I think you need a new duvet.

6. What do you call those trees that have no leaves?

7. You're wrong. Irene has always had a Mondeo.

8. It's funny that turban rhymes with urban.

9. What are the police going to do? Call me a liar?

10. If they let Nikki back into the house I will be asking for my money back.


3rd August 2006
1. Stop the War? They can stop the whinging first.

2. I still reek of bin bags.

3. Have you got any of those seaweed peanuts?

4. I simply cannot believe that you've never seen an opera.

5. The Hammersmith and City line was closed. So was the Circle and Metropolitan and some of the Victoria Line.

6. I was gonna get the Machine Head album but the cover was shit.

7. Have you seen the syrup on that bloke? Unreal.

8. What's his name? Is it Glenn or Glynn?

9. No way. It wasn't me. My phone doesn't even have a camera in it.

10. It won't come off. I think it's permenant.


27th July 2006
1. Robin was shaving with cold water... he's asking for a rash.

2. Has this one got escalators or a lift?

3. Pete Doherty has the same face as Myra Hindley.

4. Oh! Thank you! I don't know what we'd have done without you.

5. That's not sushi, it's just a starfish.

6. I'm from Utrecht In Holland.

7. What was that book where you had to find the golden rabbit?

8. He starts trouble, but he doesn't get it. I have to live here and deal with it.

9. They're trying to get her into a church school.

10. I can't stand it when people treat books badly.


20th July 2006
1. Will you run the bath when you get in?

2. I quite like the idea of Geri Halliwell eating the shit out of your arse.

3. Who wants to win a stuffed bear or a goldfish?

4. I won't do that. Because of the ants.

5. You're protected. You've got make-up on.

6. Hezbollah don't want peace, they just want to destroy Israel. I don't really know why.

7. It's so hot that the walls started melting.

8. That's the gay one off Popworld.

9. She's quite pretty but she looks a bit like a goose or something.

10. Kelsey Grammar has an enemy called Johnny Syntax.


13th July 2006
1. That is a duck-billed platitude.

2. Jackie Onassis. Sounds Irish.

3. I don't see why you need jewels or fake gold on sunglasses. They're shades. They're meant to be cool.

4. We're stuck in no-man's land.

5. I dunno. I quite fancy Daniel Bedingfield.

6. There's no such thing as a grateful Frenchman.

7. Henry, will you pass the Ambre-Solaire?

8. This train is broken, yeah? Why? Can't you fix it? What's wrong with it?

9. Bayswater is full of hookers.

10. Ratcatchers are good.

6th July 2006
1. Today is not a day for travelling by tube.

2. I get Manet and Monet confused, even though their styles are so different. It's the names.

3. Make way for the S... O... V....

4. We are blessed by unseen deities.

5. It's a cotten/linen mix. Cheap.

6. Wind your head in, mate.

7. That new Superman actor really looks like Christopher Reeve. I mean... it's creepy.

8. I got them from a sunglass stall in Camden. They were a fiver.

9. He's a grand fella. Top man. Boss cat.

10. Meat samosa? What kind of meat? Does it say?


29th June 2006
1. My bedroom is full of these huge, disgusting moths.

2. Without Bill Oddie, I'd be completely lost.

3. There's four girls left in Big Brother and they've all got fake tits. There's something wrong with that.

4. We went to the other side of Ibiza - it was actually rather posh.

5. Sheffield was once the home of steel.

6. You're not going to get off this train until you've said sorry.

7. No! No! She never did! Never! No! Did she?

8. If you pick up five pound coins, one of them will be from 1983.

9. Wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wikipedia. Wiki wiki wa wa. That's the wikipedia song.

10. Yo soy un tenedor libre.


22nd June 2006
1. That Joe Cole shot was totally sick.

2. What a manky old sponge.

3. I hate to admit it but Russell Brand is growing on me.

4. Fucking stupid kids in the fucking garden, screaming like fucking turds.

5. That's a fat wallet.

6. Maybe vowels are banned in Croatia.

7. Which one will you wear? Not the black one? It's a wedding, not a funeral.

8. The soul is not in your eyes, it's in your back. That's why you have a bad back.

9. Overdraft is my middle name.

10. I am going to walk away and you're not going to follow me.


15th June 2006
1. Look, let's get really drunk and we'll discuss it then.

2. Thank you God for making it so sunny.

3. It's not social anxiety. It's a fear that maybe life is just awful.

4. I always liked Paolo Wanchope.

5. Who writes letters with a green pen?

6. The problem with having two bells is that we always get twice as much junk mail.

7. Speak up! I can't hear you!

8. England is gone. Now we live in World Cup Land. There are no laws.

9. I was referring to the fact that she is dead, not the fact that she was blonde.

10. What about all the Muslims who were trying to blow up nightclubs?


8th June 2006
1. I dunno. It smells a bit chemical.

2. Honey, did you hear that announcement about the gap?

3. She had a piece of cauliflower obstructing her bowel.

4. I was fucking trolleyed and she was goin' on about my trousers.

5. Do you want an apple? It's fruit.

6. I was on the phone for four minutes and 55 seconds.

7. Buskers are more boring than they used to be. It's all Beatles and Simon and Garfunkel stuff.

8. The rain is very thick. Raindrops are hot globules of moisture.

9. It's stupid that they made Mystique lose her powers.

10. What do you call those smiley faces with smiles on them?


1st June 2006
1. Do you know where to get cheap bricks?

2. Quiet! I sense danger!

3. Daddy I want a balloon that sticks too the ceiling too.

4. Have you seen Page 3? Minging.

5. Hang on a second... this isn't our stop... I think we're in the wrong place.

6. I can't see how a knife amnesty does anyone any good.

7. Some twat was drawing on my face with magic markers.

8. I've got a book on Freud and the post-Freudians.

9. He's depressed because he found white hairs in his beard.

10. Are they real leather? No. They're plastic.


25th May 2006
1. Sing something melodic for the old people.

2. Yellow is the colour of cowardice.

3. What's a nice boy like you doing supporting a team like Liverpool?

4. If you're a magician, you never forget the tricks.

5. He runs up the stairs and then shouts down that he's forgotten why he went.

6. I don't have a clue. I have no fucking idea. Seriously.

7. Normally the defending champions play the first game, but this time it's Germany. I dunno why.

8. What do you play? One shot on the black, yeah?

9. Not now. I'm having a sleepie.

10. Rick Rubin is much better than Steve Albini. That's just noisy bollocks.


18th May 2006
1. I am smoking random cigarettes.

2. Where's a marionette when you need one?

3. Did you see that girl's hair? Rich bitch with dreadlocks.

4. Stephen? Stephen? Stephen? Do you have a stamp?

5. How am I supposed to enjoy myself when you're looking at me like that?

6. I was stripes every time.

7. They're gonna let me use Oyster Cards on the mainline, but not until 2008.

8. You can absail off the Eiffel Tower.

9. There's not much call for chimney sweeps round here.

10. I only dance to slow songs.


11th May 2006
1. There's a government minister called Ed Balls.

2. She's wearing a stripy dress and eating an orange.

3. There's two kinds of PS3 and one of them is shit.

4. Will you promise me that you'll email me?

5. There's no way Steve McClaren is going to be England Manager.

6. I'm gonna spread her like butter.

7. He isn't my mentor. He just knows a lot about anthropology.

8. There's Muslims killing each other in Darfur and no-one is protesting.

9. How very jolly!

10. Someone should tell Tony Parsons it's not 1977 anymore.


4th May 2006
1. Wing mirror injuries have increased exponentially.

2. I ate the whole block, and then I was in the cell all night, tripping my head off.

3. I dunno. I think she's might find it a bit conventional.

4. Are carbohydrates good or bad for you?

5. The rictus is spreading into my nasal areas.

6. Plumbing college takes about five years.

7. I can't believe it! Billy Kennedy's in House!

8. They're selling the champions league tickets on ebay for about 1200 quid.

9. Cancer didn't teach me anything.

10. Spacks!

27th April 2006
1. The police shouldn't be after terrorists, they should be stopping thieves and muggers.

2. They say it's pure orange juice, but then they say it's made from concentrate... well, which version is true?

3. Whatever you do, don't be yourself. That's suicide.

4. I think he's from Tamworth.

5. Oh. He's fit. He's gorgeous. He's got amazing teeth.

6. No way can the guy from Frasier be in the X-men.

7. I get all my vitamins from Wilkinsons - it's dead cheap.

8. There's a story here about orphaned hedgehogs.

9. From now on I'm putting my name on all the staplers and hole-punches.

10. Chewing gum makes me really farty.


20th April 2006
1. I think it was the Novotel in Hammersmith.

2. It's like this little flower with purple balls... like a miniature bunch of grapes.

3. You live in the London? You are so lucky to live here. I am from Greece, you see.

4. Hackett is a chavvy label.

5. Isaac Asimov died of AIDS. I didn't know that.

6. You're on your own from now on. I'm out of here. Grow up, for Christ's sake.

7. Did Lee Sharpe play football?

8. We're supposed to be learning shorthand but I can't understand a word of it.

9. The Subway in New York is so cool. The stations have amazing names, like Bliss Street.

10. I can't work out how to use my Ipod as a voice recorder.


13th April 2006
1. You are my glue.

2. She never smiles. I don't think she has the muscles.

3. Whatever. There's men with bigger tits than that.

4. I don't believe in destiny... it's a cop-out.

5. We went home but then Vicky noticed she's left her phone in the freezer section.

6. Have some. It's got almonds in it.

7. You've got blossom on your trousers.

8. I got woken up by a cab driver ringing my bell. He got the wrong bloody house and I couldn't get back to sleep.

9. Celtic and Tottenham both have a Lennon and a Keane.

10. Listen. Can you hear that? It's like a drill. Someone is drilling...


6th April 2006
1. We went to the Firkin and Mary got locked in the gents toilet.

2. I'm gonna buy a massive ring with massive conflict diamonds.

3. He's got an old-school Ipod thing. It's huge. It probably plays tapes.

4. It's a plastic bag full of sick.

5. Stop stealing my pens.

6. Have you heard that band McLusky? They're like the Fall, but they're Welsh and they really give me a headache.

7. No way am I volunteering. Do I look like a volunteer?

8. Do you play chess? I'm a Grandmaster.... Grandmaster Flash.

9. Fucking jammy Arsenal.

10. My eye really hurts. I think I scratched the eyeball.


30th March 2006
1. Buy a wallet. Don't buy a handbag, it will only get nicked.

2. I'm not calling you a skank I'm just saying you should clean your duvet.

3. My cholesterol is up... no more red meat.

4. And then Valerie's moved to Hitchin. The kids are fine. They're going to a private school.

5. Fuck! I've forgotten my comb.

6. Who was that painter who moved to the south pacific and painted the natives? Was it Gauguin?

7. Galaxie 500 used to use Conan O'Brian's drumkit. He's a celebrity in America.

8. Willesden Junction is a very horrible station.

9. I need to find a pattern for an A-line skirt.

10. He looked at me and then sniffed his fingers.


23rd March 2006
1. Dhaksha didn't deserve to win Masterchef.

2. Why? Has your dad only got one eye?

3. You ain't no ruffneck.

4. I don't like it when old women wear sports jackets.

5. I was showing Alan a presentation and Messenger kept on popping up with stupid messages from Paul.

6. You can't tie someone up with nylon.

7. Jill's flatmate said she was condescending, patronising, smug, rude... I kept out of it.

8. Baker Street... This is where the Sherlock Holmes lives!

9. I have this sneaking suspicion that Michael Owen will miss the World Cup.

10. They've turned the 29 into a bendy bus.


16th March 2006
1. I found a white feather this morning. Maybe it came from an angel.

2. Yid Army! Yid Army!

3. Darth Vader is a role model for fathers everywhere.

4. They've got one of those terra cotta fires for the garden.

5. What's your point? Was there a point? Or were you just opening your mouth for fun?

6. Russell Square. The home of a man called Russell.

7. I don't get it. Why ask for help and then act so rude.

8. There's a police sign outside Threshers. It says they were wearing hoodies but doesn't say if they were black or white.

9. A dead deaf beauty queen... that's pretty sad.

10. What's a terrorist? It's just a soldier with a beard.


9th March 2006
1. This is much too early. I should be asleep.

2. My jumper smells of burning.

3. There's a reason why English managers are rubbish... bad skin.

4. I am partaking of the grapes of wrath.

5. Where did you buy your diaphragm?

6. Diana always leaves work about ten minutes before everyone else.

7. Who was that bloke who went on about rivers of blood? Enoch someone.

8. I was sitting opposite this fat woman and she was marking essays. I guess she's a teacher.

9. The woman in the flat upstairs has stopped using broadband, so I can't get on the net anymore. What a bitch.

10. Horus and Anubis. I can't think of any more right now.


2nd March 2006
1. I knew he was a terrorist because he had an Irish mother. Reagen is an Irish name so it's no surprise he was no good.

2. There's a webpage called Superman for Christ. I don't understand it.

3. Raisins are shit.

4. If Elton John has slept with women and he's a poof, then you can sleep with men and still be straight.

5. You shouldn't smoke if you can't afford cigarettes.

6. People in England sure do read a lot of books.

7. Cor! It's a right pea-souper!

8. Nobody in Hollywood wants to tell the truth.

9. Brett Easton Ellis is a one-hit-wonder. Don't expect another American Pyscho.

10. Apparently there's like 10 paedophiles in every school.


23rd February 2006
1. I can't get used to Trevor and Steve calling me boss.

2. In France it's called "The Magical Wardrobe".

3. The world's going mad. Fucking mad.

4. Imogen, would you CALM DOWN!

5. It's not the thermostat, it's the element. You'll have to drain the whole boiler.

6. £40 million? It's peanuts. The government probably spends that in a day on traffic cones.

7. So, what do you think really happened with Sol Campbell?

8. Do you know anyone with a fax machine?

9. I think my mum likes cucumbers.

10. Leeds is full of terrorists. I know. I lived there.

16th February 2006
1. Did you get that free in a newspaper?

2. I love bags. Prada and all that.

3. Your label's up.

4. Let me show you how love can be between a man and a young lady with large breasts.

5. I want to stab him in the eye.

6. My arms feel radioactive, you know? They feel like they're throbbing and glowing in the dark.

7. I'm having a cheese flavoured moment.

8. Just shove everything in a blender. It will taste like shit but it's probably good for you.

9. Don't trust Dave. He's too emotional at the moment.

10. What? It's a song about Iron Man?

9th February 2006
1. Kelvin has a bible on his dashboard. You have to admit that's odd.

2. Oooh... a coat hanger! A home abortion kit!

3. It says "danger" but I didn't see it all so I thought it said "anger".

4. They seem to have removed the flavour.

5. The cat is called Ziggy. Like Ziggy Stardust.

6. Je vais manger sur une etoile.

7. We can have two weeks in Florida, having sex with alligators.

8. I don't get it. What has the Holocaust got to do with Denmark?

9. If you look in the cupboard under the stairs, there's a large plastic bag with lots of other bags in it.

10. I think your flowers are dead.


2nd February 2006
1. I need some headphones that don't go right inside my ear.

2. Penguins are birds too.

3. These kids on the bus had their music on really loud and the driver wouldn't drive until they turned it down.

4. A turkey sandwich? It's not Christmas.

5. He's northern - there is no place for him in this mighty metropolis.

6. It's a lot of fuss about a cartoon. On South Park they had Jesus with a machine gun invading Iraq.

7. Are dogs allowed on these trains?

8. Get a mahogany veneer.

9. They won't let you into the pub wearing colours.

10. I've got tennis elbow and I don't even play tennis.


26th January 2006
1. You got the money bruv? You better have cause I'll fuck you up and I'm not kidding this time.

2. Is this the way to Amaretto... every night I'm hugging Gepetto.

3. Do you want to read this? I'm getting off the next stop.

4. Put the gun down Brian.

5. What's that band? The Frozen Monkeys or something? They're shit.

6. I don't go to away games, except in Europe. It's as cheap to get to Barcelona as Sunderland or Newcastle.

7. Postcodes are alphabetical. N1 is Angel and N22 is Wood Green.

8. Careful. There's a capuccino behind you.

9. It's not an Ipod, it's a Nopod.

10. You're a turd.

19th January 2006
1. Dreams are like emails from your subconscious.

2. Can you tell me why you're angry or is that cheating?

3. I've still got that sachet of wet towels from the Turkish restaurant.

4. Give me the vaporub.

5. If the tap breaks, you're in trouble because we'll have to freeze all the water and saw the pipes off.

6. This is the end.

7. Lost is based on the Prisoner. Except that it's American and there's loads of them.

8. Clive, have you got the share certificates?

9. Look at that bitch complaining that she's fat.

10. I heard these Indian guys arguing because the new newsagent was open on Christmas Day.


12th January 2006
1. Tuna steaks don't taste of nothing.

2. Are you ok? Do you need any help with that?

3. Do you know where I can shift a couple of old typewriters?

4. I don't mind that they're leaving, except that they'll score against us next season.

5. We ended up in the Goose, opposite Walthamstow station.

6. I'm down to my last Campino.

7. This is the train to hell.

8. There are three keys on my keyring and I only recognise two of them.

9. I forgive you but stop fucking apologising.

10. He's one of those posh guys who is going bald and has very red cheeks.


5th January 2006
1. Have you got one of those pens for writing on CDs?

2. I lippsed Luke, Callum and James. Callum was the best.

3. They're blackmailing people into using Oyster cards. You can't afford not to use them.

4. On New Years eve I left a mince pie outside the front door as an offering to the God of Public Transport.

5. In the last ten days I have received precisely zero phone calls.

6. How can it be a genuine apology if it's a recorded message.

7. Apparently the wife of my mum's cousin's son is a famous Manga artist.

8. I don't need no stinking guide!

9. He asked me to list my percussive influences.

10. Who is that writer who is famous for having really bad teeth?

28th December 2006
1. She bought it in New Look for a fiver.

2. Yeah, but how can they justify charging so much for soft drinks?

3. Fuck Christmas. Fuck New Year. Fuck London Underground. No. I'm not drunk. Fuck off.

4. You can call me Mr T-Bone Shabazz.

5. Is anyone going to believe that Ewan McGregor grew that 'tache?

6. Good King Wenceslas came to town...fa la la la la.

7. We could get naked children and cover them in bubble wrap.

8. She's a typical student, hates Tony Blair, hates the government, loves Che Guevera... doesn't really have a brain.

9. CSI's got a plot. It's gimmicky graphics and dead people.

10. Meet Pedro, the racist raisin!


21st December 2006
1. Can you look down there and check if you find my wallet.

2. Don't go to Maplins... it's expensive. You're better off shopping online or going to one of those computer fairs.

3. How are you? Did you watch Celebrities in the Jungle?

4. Ow. I bit my lip.

5. It's ridiculous... they give you a plastic fork that you have to construct yourself.

6. I'm not Australian... I'm from New Zealand. I'm a Kiwi, mate.

7. What you getting her for Christmas? I've got a load of cushion covers.

8. No! Why don't you shut your face!

9. Oasis in Manor House!?! I'm there every weekend.

10. It's cold as ice... like that song.


14th December 2006
1. Why are you texting? We're underground.

2. My friend is Hungarian... I don't know why he is so angry.

3. Shhh...we're not supposed to talk. This is the tube.

4. This country! All anyone cares about is money, money, money!

5. Victoria Line is better than Piccadilly. Look. Between Kings Cross and Finsbury is two stops. On Piccadilly it is four.

6. These two Indian guys were nodding at each other in a suspicious way.

7. Will one of you please tell me a joke?

8. I'll have to speak to head office. How I hate speaking to head office.

9. Who designed the District Line? I owe them a slap.

10. I dont' know if he was gay, but he was immaculately dressed.


7th December 2006
1. I think I know how to light a cigarette.

2. Have you met my little man? Nathaniel, this is Homer.

3. My office chair has a screw missing. It's fallen apart twice this week.

4. They do dark Kit Kats now. And orange ones. And caramac ones.

5. Obviously, IQ tests are seriously flawed, but I'm still cleverer than you.

6. Tom Huddlestone is the man! He's The Hudster! The Hud!

7. Channel 4 is a bunch of left-wing PC students desperate to discredit anything British.

8. If you need a footballer to tell you not to stab people, you're a bit thick.

9. Aha! A raven will alight upon your breasts!

10. The whole of Swindon was flooded.


30th November 2006
1. There's no point getting upset about it anymore.

2. I have to apologise to Gavin for vomiting in his car last Tuesday.

3. How can they expect us to be awake at 10am? It's outrageous.

4. What happened to the fat woman who runs the organic cafe?

5. Mmmm... ackee and saltfish.

6. What's with the flat cap?

7. You're my wingman. We fly together.

8. The food portions in New York make London look like a third world country.

9. And they banned something I care passionately about: communism.

10. How can I be racist? I'm black, in case you hadn't noticed.


23rd November 2006
1. Get Owen to pay for it. He's got plenty of money... he's a graduate.

2. I didn't hear my phone. Therefore I could not answer it.

3. What you going to do about it? Hit me? You've got no arms.

4. Oh man... I am gonna be in trouble. I've got 1 or 2 points... if you get three points, they report you.

5. Mama Mia is shit. There's no plot.

6. You can buy a nativity scene in Woolworths. They throw in the kids.

7. If a law makes sense, they should just pass it. I don't know why they have to debate it for a year.

8. I'm going to have a little sleepie.

9. I thought Cliff Richard was in the Rolling Stones, no?

10. Where can I buy good baklawa?


16th November 2006
1. If you want to get a big bird, you need a big worm.

2. They aren't beige, they're moleskin.

3. Are you a pacifist? I am.

4. He has strange, lidless eyes.

5. She's a nice girl, she just doesn't have any interpersonal skills.

6. If you were as tired as me, yes, you would be complaining.

7. I don't want to cause a panic but I can smell burning.

8. Mourinho just stirs shit up and then lets some other bugger deal with the consequences.

9. Amy Winehouse. She's a sexy horse.

10. I got my dad a Turkish book as a joke.


9th November 2006
1. All he does is wander around the flat in tracksuit bottoms.

2. I've never rented in my life.

3. Have you no fucking manners?

4. You'll have to explain pensions to me. I have no idea where to start.

5. How do you spell "segue"?

6. Yeah! I'm at East Finchley! Where are you? Did you buy the leg?

7. Thrillers are popular. Chick Lit does well. And quite a few people read the Bible.

8. In America, they do Halloween properly; you can be a pirate or a Jedi. You don't have to be a ghost or a zombie.

9. It's not like I enjoy pressing my face into your armpit.

10. That Javine is a right slag. She was going with Harvey behind his missus' back.


2nd November 2006
1. Dave could snap your neck like a twig.

2. I never thought that Jason Bateman would make a comeback.

3. Winter is crap. I keep getting my i-pod tangled in my scarf.

4. Somalians have long faces, don't they?

5. You can't get properly pissed on miniatures.

6. First they blame the Muslims for everything, then the kids. Next it will be the pensioners.

7. Virgo? Does that mean you're a virgin?

8. I am going to take the scenic route.

9. What's brown and a stick?

10. It's that song from the Beavis and Butthead film. The one about the lesbian seagull.


26th October 2006
1. I looked under my bed and there were about 40 socks.

2. There's a shop on Westbourne Road that sells arabic electronics.

3. Crack whore is an insult. Hooker is a compliment.

4. Have you read that Shopaholics book?

5. There's no point getting on, it's stopping at Edgware Road.

6. You can sit on my lap but behave yourself and stop waving your arms at me.

7. It's no good, someone's already done the Sudoku.

8. My old flatmate was an Aussie... he was alright but he got mullered every night.

9. Do you want the seat? I'm getting off soon. In a while. Kings Cross.

10. How come your cups are so clean? Mine go brown after a while.


19th October 2006
1. He turns and BANG! Top corner. No chance.

2. It's a nice place to eat if you can ignore all the shouting in Italian.

3. God damn fucking London Underground.

4. I don't think you can class Greggs as a patisserie.

5. Everyone had left the office, so we raided the fridge and found three cans of Stella.

6. Have you got a tissue? My hands are all black.

7. Did you understand any of that? It would help if these people spoke English.

8. Every single day we have to wait at Edgware Road.

9. I asked for an Americano. I think this is a latte.

10. He gives me free session in the gym.


12th October 2006
1. Please excuse me. My eyes are disabilities.

2. Surely Nando's is better than McDonalds.

3. I've got one of those little pigs that you can use as a hoover.

4. She spends more time in the kitchen or in the loo than in the office.

5. What's the name of that bloke who rapes people?

6. I went jogging round Hyde Park. It's nice now that autumn has come again.

7. If I had known he was German I wouldn't have bothered.

8. Maybe. Another day. Not tomorrow.

9. Who would abandon a lovely child like you?

10. I don't smell like Marlboro Lights, I smell like Camels.


5th October 2006
1. And I'm telling you that you're gonna need a raincoat.

2. I ask him to get me plain A4 paper and he goes and buys lined paper that's tiny.

3. What's the capital of Germany?

4. Four hundred quid to strip wallpaper is a rip-off. Write to your MP.

5. He's the equivalent of one of those shit jokes you get in crackers.

6. You can't sit down for free newspapers.

7. Why do you have a hairdryer? You don't even have hair.

8. Me and Sean and Gabrielle all went down the restaurant in Stroud Green, and we got pizza but then it rained and we had to get the bus.

9. Necro is good but he's not as good as Roy Orbison.

10. Indian people don't need self-help books.


28th September 2006
1. I couldn't live in a country with more than one time-zone.

2. Why are you such a fucking spaz?

3. He's got really arrogant since he got his Motorhead jacket. He doesn't want to know me anymore.

4. Have you seen my envelopes? Could you check in your bag please?

5. This guy sitting across from me was chewing this stuff. Like thin strips that he'd break off and chew. I think it was khat.

6. Russell Square? I know that. Who's that named after?

7. Sorry... I cough on you.

8. I found out what was pissing off Fiona... Anna was holding Jason's hand and stroking his head.

9. You're a very dangerous influence.

10. They're those memory glasses that you can't bend out of shape.


21st September 2006
1. Did you see that blonde piece that Steve was chasing?

2. My dad's alright. He's still got no feeling on his left side, but he retires next year.

3. Don't act like you're doing me a favour.

4. Somos de Colombia.

5. There are various types of ocelots.

6. What's democracy? It's just a tick in a box every few years.

7. He didn't even know that Cyprus was an island.

8. Little people are funny.

9. Why did they make you take off your belt? It's not like you're going to hang yourself on a plane.

10. Letitia isn't fat fat. She's chunky. She's quite curvy. She used to be fat. I suppose she's fat.


14th September 2006
1. "Sick" means "really good". Can you believe it? Ask anyone under 25 and they'll tell you.

2. You should add some tabasco and just ignore the smell.

3. What do slugs and snails actually eat?

4. I can't believe how much tea the builders manage to get through.

5. Friendly bacteria can fuck right off.

6. Of course Ken Livingstone hates Jews. He hates everyone.

7. Hey, white boy with dreads! You are my friend!

8. These sluts on the telly are bitches and fakes.

9. And he says... "I wiped my hands on the curtains"!

10. I don't get it. Why are they calling Lampard fat?


7th September 2006
1. Does black toast give you cancer?

2. I saw this film about huskies abandoned in the arctic circle.

3. What's the demographic?

4. It was kinda obvious that something turned inside her.

5. There was this hassidic jew using a Blackberry.

6. I went on holiday without my sandals. It's really important to have sandals because other shoes hurt your feet.

7. Daddy's dressing as a wizard.

8. I didn't quit. They fired me.

9. Kevin's wasted and he said he was gonna eat a sunflower... fair play... he did it.

10. No way do I read Paolo Coelho.


31st August 2006
1. Let's go somewhere they serve nuts.

2. Of course, my real ambition is to be a foreign correspondent.

3. There's that advert where they sing about Rhinstone Cowboys, but it's for insurance or something.

4. Leon Posner is a poo.

5. Why would you wear a hat just to talk to God?

6. L&M Lights. They're the continental version of Marlboros.

7. Ah, you are my special Garrincha!

8. He used to be attached to the embassy. I dunno what he does now.

9. New train lines! I'll believe it when I see it!

10. We were stuck in baggage control for an hour.


24th August 2006
1. Bang bang! Let's have some power chords.

2. I can't remember your name. Were you once my wife?

3. You know me... I love smoking.

4. Please move your pram.

5. It's not fair. I've got Metro and you've got The Sun.

6. Yours has got more vodka and mine has got more coke.

7. It's an infected sebacious cyst.

8. Dad, what is Valerie's shoe size?

9. Money never brought unhappiness to no-one.

10. You need a drummer who doesn't sound like Moe Tucker.


17th August 2006
1. Did you see the newsreader with the really shaky hands? I felt so sorry for him.

2. I don't think it was a plane. I think it was a pigeon.

3. Siobhan has a fat neck.

4. Where can I get a phone with a flag on it?

5. What the fuck is wrong with Steve McClaren's skin. He's like a fucking Sith Lord.

6. Is he gonna testify? Is he gonna tell them what really happened?

7. Digital watches aren't very modern though.

8. Do you have an itchy scalp?

9. If you're a terrorist, you're probably willing to drink poisoned milk anyway.

10. Take that poster down right now.


10th August 2006
1. Justin is some kind of Wikkan priest.

2. I'm not angry. I'm not even sad. I'm just disappointed.

3. Is there anything better than Meals on Wheels?

4. Rank! Rank! Disgusting!

5. I think you need a new duvet.

6. What do you call those trees that have no leaves?

7. You're wrong. Irene has always had a Mondeo.

8. It's funny that turban rhymes with urban.

9. What are the police going to do? Call me a liar?

10. If they let Nikki back into the house I will be asking for my money back.


3rd August 2006
1. Stop the War? They can stop the whinging first.

2. I still reek of bin bags.

3. Have you got any of those seaweed peanuts?

4. I simply cannot believe that you've never seen an opera.

5. The Hammersmith and City line was closed. So was the Circle and Metropolitan and some of the Victoria Line.

6. I was gonna get the Machine Head album but the cover was shit.

7. Have you seen the syrup on that bloke? Unreal.

8. What's his name? Is it Glenn or Glynn?

9. No way. It wasn't me. My phone doesn't even have a camera in it.

10. It won't come off. I think it's permenant.


27th July 2006
1. Robin was shaving with cold water... he's asking for a rash.

2. Has this one got escalators or a lift?

3. Pete Doherty has the same face as Myra Hindley.

4. Oh! Thank you! I don't know what we'd have done without you.

5. That's not sushi, it's just a starfish.

6. I'm from Utrecht In Holland.

7. What was that book where you had to find the golden rabbit?

8. He starts trouble, but he doesn't get it. I have to live here and deal with it.

9. They're trying to get her into a church school.

10. I can't stand it when people treat books badly.


20th July 2006
1. Will you run the bath when you get in?

2. I quite like the idea of Geri Halliwell eating the shit out of your arse.

3. Who wants to win a stuffed bear or a goldfish?

4. I won't do that. Because of the ants.

5. You're protected. You've got make-up on.

6. Hezbollah don't want peace, they just want to destroy Israel. I don't really know why.

7. It's so hot that the walls started melting.

8. That's the gay one off Popworld.

9. She's quite pretty but she looks a bit like a goose or something.

10. Kelsey Grammar has an enemy called Johnny Syntax.


13th July 2006
1. That is a duck-billed platitude.

2. Jackie Onassis. Sounds Irish.

3. I don't see why you need jewels or fake gold on sunglasses. They're shades. They're meant to be cool.

4. We're stuck in no-man's land.

5. I dunno. I quite fancy Daniel Bedingfield.

6. There's no such thing as a grateful Frenchman.

7. Henry, will you pass the Ambre-Solaire?

8. This train is broken, yeah? Why? Can't you fix it? What's wrong with it?

9. Bayswater is full of hookers.

10. Ratcatchers are good.

6th July 2006
1. Today is not a day for travelling by tube.

2. I get Manet and Monet confused, even though their styles are so different. It's the names.

3. Make way for the S... O... V....

4. We are blessed by unseen deities.

5. It's a cotten/linen mix. Cheap.

6. Wind your head in, mate.

7. That new Superman actor really looks like Christopher Reeve. I mean... it's creepy.

8. I got them from a sunglass stall in Camden. They were a fiver.

9. He's a grand fella. Top man. Boss cat.

10. Meat samosa? What kind of meat? Does it say?


29th June 2006
1. My bedroom is full of these huge, disgusting moths.

2. Without Bill Oddie, I'd be completely lost.

3. There's four girls left in Big Brother and they've all got fake tits. There's something wrong with that.

4. We went to the other side of Ibiza - it was actually rather posh.

5. Sheffield was once the home of steel.

6. You're not going to get off this train until you've said sorry.

7. No! No! She never did! Never! No! Did she?

8. If you pick up five pound coins, one of them will be from 1983.

9. Wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wikipedia. Wiki wiki wa wa. That's the wikipedia song.

10. Yo soy un tenedor libre.


22nd June 2006
1. That Joe Cole shot was totally sick.

2. What a manky old sponge.

3. I hate to admit it but Russell Brand is growing on me.

4. Fucking stupid kids in the fucking garden, screaming like fucking turds.

5. That's a fat wallet.

6. Maybe vowels are banned in Croatia.

7. Which one will you wear? Not the black one? It's a wedding, not a funeral.

8. The soul is not in your eyes, it's in your back. That's why you have a bad back.

9. Overdraft is my middle name.

10. I am going to walk away and you're not going to follow me.


15th June 2006
1. Look, let's get really drunk and we'll discuss it then.

2. Thank you God for making it so sunny.

3. It's not social anxiety. It's a fear that maybe life is just awful.

4. I always liked Paolo Wanchope.

5. Who writes letters with a green pen?

6. The problem with having two bells is that we always get twice as much junk mail.

7. Speak up! I can't hear you!

8. England is gone. Now we live in World Cup Land. There are no laws.

9. I was referring to the fact that she is dead, not the fact that she was blonde.

10. What about all the Muslims who were trying to blow up nightclubs?


8th June 2006
1. I dunno. It smells a bit chemical.

2. Honey, did you hear that announcement about the gap?

3. She had a piece of cauliflower obstructing her bowel.

4. I was fucking trolleyed and she was goin' on about my trousers.

5. Do you want an apple? It's fruit.

6. I was on the phone for four minutes and 55 seconds.

7. Buskers are more boring than they used to be. It's all Beatles and Simon and Garfunkel stuff.

8. The rain is very thick. Raindrops are hot globules of moisture.

9. It's stupid that they made Mystique lose her powers.

10. What do you call those smiley faces with smiles on them?


1st June 2006
1. Do you know where to get cheap bricks?

2. Quiet! I sense danger!

3. Daddy I want a balloon that sticks too the ceiling too.

4. Have you seen Page 3? Minging.

5. Hang on a second... this isn't our stop... I think we're in the wrong place.

6. I can't see how a knife amnesty does anyone any good.

7. Some twat was drawing on my face with magic markers.

8. I've got a book on Freud and the post-Freudians.

9. He's depressed because he found white hairs in his beard.

10. Are they real leather? No. They're plastic.


25th May 2006
1. Sing something melodic for the old people.

2. Yellow is the colour of cowardice.

3. What's a nice boy like you doing supporting a team like Liverpool?

4. If you're a magician, you never forget the tricks.

5. He runs up the stairs and then shouts down that he's forgotten why he went.

6. I don't have a clue. I have no fucking idea. Seriously.

7. Normally the defending champions play the first game, but this time it's Germany. I dunno why.

8. What do you play? One shot on the black, yeah?

9. Not now. I'm having a sleepie.

10. Rick Rubin is much better than Steve Albini. That's just noisy bollocks.


18th May 2006
1. I am smoking random cigarettes.

2. Where's a marionette when you need one?

3. Did you see that girl's hair? Rich bitch with dreadlocks.

4. Stephen? Stephen? Stephen? Do you have a stamp?

5. How am I supposed to enjoy myself when you're looking at me like that?

6. I was stripes every time.

7. They're gonna let me use Oyster Cards on the mainline, but not until 2008.

8. You can absail off the Eiffel Tower.

9. There's not much call for chimney sweeps round here.

10. I only dance to slow songs.


11th May 2006
1. There's a government minister called Ed Balls.

2. She's wearing a stripy dress and eating an orange.

3. There's two kinds of PS3 and one of them is shit.

4. Will you promise me that you'll email me?

5. There's no way Steve McClaren is going to be England Manager.

6. I'm gonna spread her like butter.

7. He isn't my mentor. He just knows a lot about anthropology.

8. There's Muslims killing each other in Darfur and no-one is protesting.

9. How very jolly!

10. Someone should tell Tony Parsons it's not 1977 anymore.


4th May 2006
1. Wing mirror injuries have increased exponentially.

2. I ate the whole block, and then I was in the cell all night, tripping my head off.

3. I dunno. I think she's might find it a bit conventional.

4. Are carbohydrates good or bad for you?

5. The rictus is spreading into my nasal areas.

6. Plumbing college takes about five years.

7. I can't believe it! Billy Kennedy's in House!

8. They're selling the champions league tickets on ebay for about 1200 quid.

9. Cancer didn't teach me anything.

10. Spacks!

27th April 2006
1. The police shouldn't be after terrorists, they should be stopping thieves and muggers.

2. They say it's pure orange juice, but then they say it's made from concentrate... well, which version is true?

3. Whatever you do, don't be yourself. That's suicide.

4. I think he's from Tamworth.

5. Oh. He's fit. He's gorgeous. He's got amazing teeth.

6. No way can the guy from Frasier be in the X-men.

7. I get all my vitamins from Wilkinsons - it's dead cheap.

8. There's a story here about orphaned hedgehogs.

9. From now on I'm putting my name on all the staplers and hole-punches.

10. Chewing gum makes me really farty.


20th April 2006
1. I think it was the Novotel in Hammersmith.

2. It's like this little flower with purple balls... like a miniature bunch of grapes.

3. You live in the London? You are so lucky to live here. I am from Greece, you see.

4. Hackett is a chavvy label.

5. Isaac Asimov died of AIDS. I didn't know that.

6. You're on your own from now on. I'm out of here. Grow up, for Christ's sake.

7. Did Lee Sharpe play football?

8. We're supposed to be learning shorthand but I can't understand a word of it.

9. The Subway in New York is so cool. The stations have amazing names, like Bliss Street.

10. I can't work out how to use my Ipod as a voice recorder.


13th April 2006
1. You are my glue.

2. She never smiles. I don't think she has the muscles.

3. Whatever. There's men with bigger tits than that.

4. I don't believe in destiny... it's a cop-out.

5. We went home but then Vicky noticed she's left her phone in the freezer section.

6. Have some. It's got almonds in it.

7. You've got blossom on your trousers.

8. I got woken up by a cab driver ringing my bell. He got the wrong bloody house and I couldn't get back to sleep.

9. Celtic and Tottenham both have a Lennon and a Keane.

10. Listen. Can you hear that? It's like a drill. Someone is drilling...


6th April 2006
1. We went to the Firkin and Mary got locked in the gents toilet.

2. I'm gonna buy a massive ring with massive conflict diamonds.

3. He's got an old-school Ipod thing. It's huge. It probably plays tapes.

4. It's a plastic bag full of sick.

5. Stop stealing my pens.

6. Have you heard that band McLusky? They're like the Fall, but they're Welsh and they really give me a headache.

7. No way am I volunteering. Do I look like a volunteer?

8. Do you play chess? I'm a Grandmaster.... Grandmaster Flash.

9. Fucking jammy Arsenal.

10. My eye really hurts. I think I scratched the eyeball.


30th March 2006
1. Buy a wallet. Don't buy a handbag, it will only get nicked.

2. I'm not calling you a skank I'm just saying you should clean your duvet.

3. My cholesterol is up... no more red meat.

4. And then Valerie's moved to Hitchin. The kids are fine. They're going to a private school.

5. Fuck! I've forgotten my comb.

6. Who was that painter who moved to the south pacific and painted the natives? Was it Gauguin?

7. Galaxie 500 used to use Conan O'Brian's drumkit. He's a celebrity in America.

8. Willesden Junction is a very horrible station.

9. I need to find a pattern for an A-line skirt.

10. He looked at me and then sniffed his fingers.


23rd March 2006
1. Dhaksha didn't deserve to win Masterchef.

2. Why? Has your dad only got one eye?

3. You ain't no ruffneck.

4. I don't like it when old women wear sports jackets.

5. I was showing Alan a presentation and Messenger kept on popping up with stupid messages from Paul.

6. You can't tie someone up with nylon.

7. Jill's flatmate said she was condescending, patronising, smug, rude... I kept out of it.

8. Baker Street... This is where the Sherlock Holmes lives!

9. I have this sneaking suspicion that Michael Owen will miss the World Cup.

10. They've turned the 29 into a bendy bus.


16th March 2006
1. I found a white feather this morning. Maybe it came from an angel.

2. Yid Army! Yid Army!

3. Darth Vader is a role model for fathers everywhere.

4. They've got one of those terra cotta fires for the garden.

5. What's your point? Was there a point? Or were you just opening your mouth for fun?

6. Russell Square. The home of a man called Russell.

7. I don't get it. Why ask for help and then act so rude.

8. There's a police sign outside Threshers. It says they were wearing hoodies but doesn't say if they were black or white.

9. A dead deaf beauty queen... that's pretty sad.

10. What's a terrorist? It's just a soldier with a beard.


9th March 2006
1. This is much too early. I should be asleep.

2. My jumper smells of burning.

3. There's a reason why English managers are rubbish... bad skin.

4. I am partaking of the grapes of wrath.

5. Where did you buy your diaphragm?

6. Diana always leaves work about ten minutes before everyone else.

7. Who was that bloke who went on about rivers of blood? Enoch someone.

8. I was sitting opposite this fat woman and she was marking essays. I guess she's a teacher.

9. The woman in the flat upstairs has stopped using broadband, so I can't get on the net anymore. What a bitch.

10. Horus and Anubis. I can't think of any more right now.


2nd March 2006
1. I knew he was a terrorist because he had an Irish mother. Reagen is an Irish name so it's no surprise he was no good.

2. There's a webpage called Superman for Christ. I don't understand it.

3. Raisins are shit.

4. If Elton John has slept with women and he's a poof, then you can sleep with men and still be straight.

5. You shouldn't smoke if you can't afford cigarettes.

6. People in England sure do read a lot of books.

7. Cor! It's a right pea-souper!

8. Nobody in Hollywood wants to tell the truth.

9. Brett Easton Ellis is a one-hit-wonder. Don't expect another American Pyscho.

10. Apparently there's like 10 paedophiles in every school.


23rd February 2006
1. I can't get used to Trevor and Steve calling me boss.

2. In France it's called "The Magical Wardrobe".

3. The world's going mad. Fucking mad.

4. Imogen, would you CALM DOWN!

5. It's not the thermostat, it's the element. You'll have to drain the whole boiler.

6. £40 million? It's peanuts. The government probably spends that in a day on traffic cones.

7. So, what do you think really happened with Sol Campbell?

8. Do you know anyone with a fax machine?

9. I think my mum likes cucumbers.

10. Leeds is full of terrorists. I know. I lived there.

16th February 2006
1. Did you get that free in a newspaper?

2. I love bags. Prada and all that.

3. Your label's up.

4. Let me show you how love can be between a man and a young lady with large breasts.

5. I want to stab him in the eye.

6. My arms feel radioactive, you know? They feel like they're throbbing and glowing in the dark.

7. I'm having a cheese flavoured moment.

8. Just shove everything in a blender. It will taste like shit but it's probably good for you.

9. Don't trust Dave. He's too emotional at the moment.

10. What? It's a song about Iron Man?

9th February 2006
1. Kelvin has a bible on his dashboard. You have to admit that's odd.

2. Oooh... a coat hanger! A home abortion kit!

3. It says "danger" but I didn't see it all so I thought it said "anger".

4. They seem to have removed the flavour.

5. The cat is called Ziggy. Like Ziggy Stardust.

6. Je vais manger sur une etoile.

7. We can have two weeks in Florida, having sex with alligators.

8. I don't get it. What has the Holocaust got to do with Denmark?

9. If you look in the cupboard under the stairs, there's a large plastic bag with lots of other bags in it.

10. I think your flowers are dead.


2nd February 2006
1. I need some headphones that don't go right inside my ear.

2. Penguins are birds too.

3. These kids on the bus had their music on really loud and the driver wouldn't drive until they turned it down.

4. A turkey sandwich? It's not Christmas.

5. He's northern - there is no place for him in this mighty metropolis.

6. It's a lot of fuss about a cartoon. On South Park they had Jesus with a machine gun invading Iraq.

7. Are dogs allowed on these trains?

8. Get a mahogany veneer.

9. They won't let you into the pub wearing colours.

10. I've got tennis elbow and I don't even play tennis.


26th January 2006
1. You got the money bruv? You better have cause I'll fuck you up and I'm not kidding this time.

2. Is this the way to Amaretto... every night I'm hugging Gepetto.

3. Do you want to read this? I'm getting off the next stop.

4. Put the gun down Brian.

5. What's that band? The Frozen Monkeys or something? They're shit.

6. I don't go to away games, except in Europe. It's as cheap to get to Barcelona as Sunderland or Newcastle.

7. Postcodes are alphabetical. N1 is Angel and N22 is Wood Green.

8. Careful. There's a capuccino behind you.

9. It's not an Ipod, it's a Nopod.

10. You're a turd.

19th January 2006
1. Dreams are like emails from your subconscious.

2. Can you tell me why you're angry or is that cheating?

3. I've still got that sachet of wet towels from the Turkish restaurant.

4. Give me the vaporub.

5. If the tap breaks, you're in trouble because we'll have to freeze all the water and saw the pipes off.

6. This is the end.

7. Lost is based on the Prisoner. Except that it's American and there's loads of them.

8. Clive, have you got the share certificates?

9. Look at that bitch complaining that she's fat.

10. I heard these Indian guys arguing because the new newsagent was open on Christmas Day.


12th January 2006
1. Tuna steaks don't taste of nothing.

2. Are you ok? Do you need any help with that?

3. Do you know where I can shift a couple of old typewriters?

4. I don't mind that they're leaving, except that they'll score against us next season.

5. We ended up in the Goose, opposite Walthamstow station.

6. I'm down to my last Campino.

7. This is the train to hell.

8. There are three keys on my keyring and I only recognise two of them.

9. I forgive you but stop fucking apologising.

10. He's one of those posh guys who is going bald and has very red cheeks.


5th January 2006
1. Have you got one of those pens for writing on CDs?

2. I lippsed Luke, Callum and James. Callum was the best.

3. They're blackmailing people into using Oyster cards. You can't afford not to use them.

4. On New Years eve I left a mince pie outside the front door as an offering to the God of Public Transport.

5. In the last ten days I have received precisely zero phone calls.

6. How can it be a genuine apology if it's a recorded message.

7. Apparently the wife of my mum's cousin's son is a famous Manga artist.

8. I don't need no stinking guide!

9. He asked me to list my percussive influences.

10. Who is that writer who is famous for having really bad teeth?

Please note: none of the statements on the page reflect the personal views of themanwhofellasleep. If you send me something you've overheard, I'll try to include it. I may polish up the spelling, but that's it. Contributions to Tube Gossip are copyright Greg Stekelman and permission to reproduce all or part of any contribution must be given by me! If you want to post some quotes on your blog and include a link back to here, fine! If you want to rip off the page and reprint it as though it's your own idea, you're a very silly person.