A BRIEF INTRODUCTION INTO THE MARVELLOUS, MYSTERIOUS WORLD OF CHESS

Chess is a game of sixty four squares, two colours, and only one objective: to win.

Imagine if Garry Kasparov had been called Barry Kasparov. The world would be a very different place. In films, whenever chess is being played (slowly in a dark room), it is always clumsily used as a metaphor for some greater battle. The goatee'd villain smiles and twinkles his eyes as he moves his Queen (He is English and of dubious sexuality, so of course it is his Queen) to put our hero into check. But our hero (American, blue collar, think Bruce Willis in a vest) says something clever, narrows his eyes and with a smirk of contempt says: "I don't think so. Checkmate." And the game ends with the English villain glowering impotently at the board. This NEVER happens in real life. I should know, as I am an English villain myself... If anyone can find a chess scene in a film, in which the phrase "checkmate" is not uttered, then I will buy them a whole packet of biscuits. That is not a promise, that is a threat. No, wait a minute - it is neither a promise, nor a threat. It is a lie.